A Modest Proposal for the Looming California Prison Crisis

In order to comply with a federal court order, Governor Jerry Brown must release 10,000 more prisoners by the end of this year. Over the past 15 years, California’s prison population has ballooned by 500%. At the time of the federal court’s order, California’s prisons were stuffed to 175% of inmate capacity. The release of 10,000 more will bring that down to the 137% ordered by the federal court. Prior to this, about one inmate per week was dying in prison due to preventable medical reasons made unpreventable by overtaxed prison health care systems.

The bulk of these prisoners are serving multi-year or multi-decade sentences under California’s Three Strikes law, regardless of how long ago a defendant committed his “strike” offense. At least a thousand are serving terms for non-violent drug offenses. Several thousand are approaching old age. Many others would be treated more effectively, more humanely, and more affordably in psychiatric facilities.

Governor Brown responded to the federal court’s most recent demand with what one lawyer called “willful defiance.” Governor Brown has since modified his stance to include giving over $300,000,000 to the Corrections Corporation of America to rent their for-profit prison facilities. Governor Brown says that this is necessary for public safety, because public safety would be jeopardized by the early release of an elderly inmate who committed a robbery 20 years prior, and who will likely die of natural causes before finishing his lengthy prison term for some property crime.

Governor Brown is missing an opportunity to solve problems in California’s traditional manner: letting the voters decide by way of ballot proposition. Californians routinely place decisions regarding criminal sentencing and the taxes that pay for it on the ballot for popular vote. Thus far, the initiative process has resulted in a huge prison population that no one wants to pay for. But that’s only because the right initiative hasn’t been passed yet.

I propose the following legislation:

Section 1

The Title of this act shall be the “Entitled Baby Boomer Criminal Justice Act,” and shall be referred to hereafter as the Act.

Section 2

We the People of the State of California have agreed upon the following knee-jerk reactions to the complicated social problems of crime and drug abuse in our state

a) If you do the crime, then you do the time [original emphasis];

b) We, the People, breathlessly follow any news story concerning the disappearance of a photogenic child, and we have decided that the sad afterglow of such a highly publicized tragedy is the perfect time to craft legislation that will apply to everyone for the foreseeable future;

c) We, the People, are very confident that no provision of the Act will interfere with the life, liberty, or happiness of anyone that we know, because they are good people and our kids are in private school;

d) Unlike the fields of medicine, astrophysics, or engineering, the subject of criminal justice requires absolutely no specialized education or training; this gives our opinions the force and weight of actual research.

Section 3

Recognizing that more than one-fifth of the current prison population are senior citizens, We the People declare the following measures necessary for public safety:

a) At no time shall an ailing or elderly prisoner be given access to motorized wheelchairs whose battery life would allow them to travel more than 20 feet beyond prison walls;

b) At no time shall an elderly prisoner be given access to non-motorized wheelchairs with brakes, since brakes would encourage elderly inmates to attain dangerous speeds during escape attempts;

c) All nurses, doctors, surgeons, and pharmacists who attend to elderly prisoners shall register as “criminal enablers” with the sheriff of chief of police of the city or county in which they reside, and shall not reside within 1000 meters of a park or playground;

d) For inmates who have been sentenced to serve additional time beyond a life sentence, their mouldy bones and other mortal remains shall be kept in a vessel made of recycled cardboard and stowed in a broom closet to be determined by the Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation.

e) An inmate’s age, frailty, or pitiful life expectancy shall not be considered when deciding whether to release the prisoner to ease institutional overcrowding, because if you do the crime, then you should do the time.

Section 4

The following provisions have nothing to do with the fact that the Act was drafted, edited, and promoted by the Corrections Corporation of America and the union representing state corrections officers:

a) Unlike alcohol, tobacco, and prescription opiates, cannabis sativa and cannabis indica are dangerous, addictive narcotics that cause overdoses, murder, and dangerous depletions of both Cool Ranch Doritos and internet bandwidth. Any inmate whose blood tested positive for the presence of THC at the time of their arrest shall not be granted early release under any circumstances;

b) Anyone who, while present in the United States without legal documentation, dares to exchange their labor for money, goods, or services shall be imprisoned in the county jail or in state prison for 16 months, 2 years, or 3 years. This includes those who exchange their labor for produce that they later sell themselves in lieu of actual wages;

c) No part of subdivision (b) shall be used to punish the Job Creators ™ who lure undocumented workers from their troubled homelands with the promise of toil in exchange for produce;

d) We the People, by way of our elected governor, and the Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation shall give as many millions of dollars as are necessary to the purveyors of privately owned prisons for use of their facilities. This policy will continue until California’s sentencing laws have accomplished their goal of creating a crime-free Utopia, which will assuredly happen some time before the state completely runs out of money.

Section 5

We the People hereby refuse to pay for anything that we want, including the implementation of the Act. Specifically:

a) All budgetary items not related to the prosecution and prolonged incarceration of inmates shall be tallied under a single line item called “bullshit;”

b) All of the costs for maintaining the prison population shall be deducted from designated “bullshit” expenditures, because no state services benefit the gainfully employed and our kids are in private school anyway;

c) The Courts of Appeal will heretofore be known as the Courts That Waste Tax Dollars by Delaying Executions, and their operating budgets shall be allocated along with all other “bullshit” expenditures;

Section 6

In keeping with California’s rich tradition of placing individuals’ constitutional rights on the ballot for majority vote, We the People hereby strip the Superior Court, Courts of Appeal, and Supreme Court of jurisdiction to hear cases in which prisoners allege that the Act strips them of due process rights or imposes cruel and unusual punishment under the Eighth Amendment to the United States Constitution.

Section 7

Any orders by the Supreme Court of the United States that are contrary to the Act shall be returned to the Supreme Court by registered mail with an affixed Post-It note that declares, “UR not the boss of me,” followed by the following emoticon: > : p

Since I am unable/unwilling to breach this blog’s anonymity to gather signatures and submit the proposal to the Secretary of State, I entrust you, my readers, to carry this torch for me.

Because if you do the crime, you should do the time!

In accordance with statute.

In accordance with statute.

Respectfully Submitted,

Norm DeGuerre

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4 comments on “A Modest Proposal for the Looming California Prison Crisis

  1. nm says:

    “a) Unlike alcohol, tobacco, and prescription opiates, cannabis sativa and cannabis indica are dangerous, addictive narcotics that cause overdoses, murder, and dangerous depletions of both Cool Ranch Doritos and internet bandwidth. Any inmate whose blood tested positive for the presence of THC at the time of their arrest shall not be granted early release under any circumstances;”
    No kidding.
    I recently had a client who was prescribed oxy for back problems. He didn’t want to use that due to his drug abuse history and got a pot card. Tried to get him to be allowed to use that while on probation. “Well, it seems your clients has perfectly legal prescription drugs he can use.”

  2. Hank_Thoreau says:

    You hit the nail on the head here. If you rewrote this exact thing into an actual initiative my halfwit baby boomer parents would be frothing at the mouth trying to get “Yes On” yard signs.

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